Title: THE BODYGUARD
Warnings: Language, Death, Crime
Chapter Overview: Link
About the Story: After the death of their parents, Taylor and Zac went their own way in life. Taylor became a superstar and never thought his chosen profession would bring danger into his life. Blade (Zac) buried the past and lived his life contently in the dark and dirty world as a pimp. Unexpected circumstances bring them together after almost a decade apart. How will they overcome the shadows of the past and move forward?
Authors Notes: Update The Bodyguard - Chapter 59! Chapter 60 will be posted in April. Enjoy ♡
Excerpt: "I’m your bodyguard brother, a killer and a dirty pimp. Can’t pick one without choosing the other. Like I said, I make no apologies for my temperament."
previous Chapter 58
The depression came back when Taylor and I arrived in homo town. I was frustrated about our brotherly situation. We didn't seem to be making any progress and it was depressing to me. This game between Taylor and I was over before it began. He had already internally closed the book of us and now it was just a matter of time on how long we would remain together.
But how long could this state be bearable for both of us?
It made me sad that Taylor seemed to be torn and undecided about a lot of things, though there was one thing he seemed to be sure of throughout the whole time, which was to get rid of me.
For the second time in my life he wanted to run away from me. Sure, I fully accept that we all have the right to our own opinion and we both felt differently. I knew that I couldn't compare this time with our past, because this time he wanted to leave me because of the danger my job brought with it.
I did not plan to try to convince Taylor to keep me; I did not plan to beg him or to manipulate him in any way. That might be Skye's style, but not mine. It's against my principles to manipulate anyone. I wouldn’t whine like a retarded and pathetic crybaby that begged for his older brother’s acceptance, that’s just not me. I didn't intend to depress anyone with one sided cliché bullshit.
But still, I couldn't help but be frustrated and depressed about the whole situation. For a short while I had felt that Taylor and I could both get used to the situation, not just me. We were both caught between a rock and a hard place because we didn't want to be separated from each other, but we did what each of us thought was the right thing.
There was a time when our parents were still alive where we used to be young, wild and free. Now we were older, sad and depressed.
Taylor still left me in the darkness, without telling me truth of the secret he kept inside for so long and the only thoughts about us I could have were;
When would he finally stop fucking with my feelings? What did it mean to have a brother, but no hope? To lose a brother but never experience justice... Were we all here for the wrong reasons?
Unlike back then, this time I knew that Taylor was planning to leave me and the feelings of loss which I never wanted to experience again were back. I knew that without me it was possible that Taylor would have never found his will to life again, but my feelings were bound to get hurt.
Maybe Taylor thought that I could deal with being alone better than he could because I have never been a people person anyway. Taylor was famous and had many friends; I doubted he would ever be lonely.
I had never chosen to be without my family. People who don't socialize much aren't actually anti-social; they just have no tolerance for drama and fake people.
Real soon now I would soon return to my old life. The only thing was I didn't look forward to it anymore...
Taylor was smart enough to figure out that there was a gap in the story I told him. When I sniffed a line the last time a few days ago I whether thought that I would ever see him again nor I would accept this job at that time.
At the current time I couldn't say if Taylor's trust in me was strong enough to withstand the news that I was a drug addict. In my position everything I do could impact Taylor's life and he had to trust me. Sure, I could imagine that he had doubts and worries because of my incomplete story, but it was still better than to lose his trust in one dash. Taylor's nerves and his trust in me were like an icy surface that threatened to give in at any time. That's why I always had to be careful on what to say to him to not risk breaking this fragile surface.
Jeeze... now I sound like Taylor!
But when lying assures Taylor's safety and honesty puts him in danger, I knew that it wouldn't have been right to choose the truth. Added to that, I also didn't really see a point in telling him about my drug addiction because we would remain the strangers we used to be anyway. We didn't manage to break down the walls of strangeness in the period of time we were together. Actually, we didn't achieve anything but in Taylor's eyes a short reunion was apparently enough before he wanted to disappear again, maybe for another nine years... maybe forever.
I never blamed Taylor that he didn't want me to die, but he shouldn't have expected me do this job and my consideration without any intention to keep me on top of that. In the end I would feel only hurt again in the same way as before, if not only more. Because this time, I felt cheated too.
I was in this messed up worn out situation, so why should I pretend? When we both can say there's just no way that this could have a happy end. I became more frustrated. I knew I wasn't fine. Fuck pretending! Nothing was okay, it never was. Taylor wanted me to stay a while longer to not be alone at the meeting with his wife's in laws, but the more I had to think about our upcoming separation the more I got depressed.
A part of me had hoped that Taylor and I could get through this together, that we would stick together... unlike back then. That we could defy the danger if we stayed together, that we would do better this time unlike the helpless, confused teenagers we were back then...
But I always knew this wasn't going to happen. We would not cross the line together.
Because of all this shit, I had no idea how to fill the hole in my heart other than with sex and drugs. I wanted to have sex with Chantal. Hard and rough. There was something sexy about that woman. Because I was lonely. Also, I couldn't get Santiago out of my mind. I wondered what happened to him. Had he gone to jail for something I had done? I needed some time to deal after what I just had done. Internally I felt that I shouldn't be here, but without me Taylor was not out of danger; he still needed my protection.
I missed to have Bandito around me. Maybe just because I was lonely. I wanted somebody to want me to fuck them. Maybe that would have filled the nothingness inside of me, but probably not.
I'm only twenty five years but sometimes I believe I have already felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt. I felt so empty and numb and the urge for some cocaine was the only thing that was left. You know, drugs may kill you but they never break your heart...
I couldn't persuade myself that things would get better, that there was hope that Taylor would ever change his mind. I'm too realistic for unreal hopes and wishes like that and Taylor was too predictable. That's why I already distanced myself from him because I felt that we were about to go seperate ways again very soon.
Sometimes you can't choose what stays and what fades away...
It ended all in one thing; I would soon be alone again.
Now my best friend has probably been arrested, because he took responsibility for my guilt while sick stalkers like Twinko Weirdo and hypocrites like Skye walked around freely in this fucked up world.
Unnecessary to mention that that chatterbox milkface was pretty much the last thing I needed right now. I watched him walking over to the driver's side of the window like a rent boy who intended to negotiate with his john. As he began to talk with Taylor I could detect the carefulness and guilt in his tone.
"Hey Taylor, it's nice to see you both again..."
"Hey Skye." Taylor sounded a little distant and Skye looked even guiltier at him. His undertone of insecurity spoke for itself.
"Are you still mad with me?"
Taylor hesitated at first, then he shook his head. "No, I'm not. But let's talk about that later together once my parents in law are gone, okay?"
Why did you lie Taylor? Why?
I watched Taylor putting his hands on Skye's; he probably lied to keep up his friendship with Skye. But still, it disappointed me a little that he lied in this simple situation. No matter how much the truth hurts, it’s always better than being lied to. Was he too afraid to say the truth?
Apparently Taylor said he wasn't mad with Skye so as not to hurt him. Taylor always seemed to see the best in others which showed that he had a big heart for other people. A bigger heart than I had. It amazed me and at the same time his naivety worried me. I became concerned because of Taylor's safety as I saw how gullible he acted. He wanted to forgive Skye so easily without questioning the reason why Skye chose me as Taylor's bodyguard.
What if Skye's egoistical decision had cost my brother his life?
If Taylor was the one who protected me, I immediately knew that I could never feel safe around him because of that. It would be a very depressing situation for both of us. Someone who doesn't place value on honesty can't be strong. Honesty is spiritual power, dishonesty is human weakness.
How can you rely on someone, trust someone of whom you know that honesty holds no priority for that person?
I couldn't tell if I was analyzing the current situation too much, but analyzing my surroundings and other people's behavior was an important part of my job.
I zipped up my leather jacket to hide the blood on my shirt and Taylor put the necklace with my dog tags under the collar of his button down shirt. It was probably our instincts to hide these items so that no one bothered to ask unnecessary questions about them. We always had to be careful because paparazzi could be hidden anywhere and take photos of us. Knowing Taylor as the finicky person he was I supposed he also hid the necklace because it didn’t fit with his suit.
Before we got out he checked his hair in the rearview mirror and quickly fixed it with his comb. We then climbed out of the car. Taylor meticulously smoothed down his suit coat before he and Skye greeted each other with girlishly pecks on their cheeks. I took my back pack from the back seat and put it on, cinched the straps over my chest because of the heavy content I carried and locked the car doors. Then I turned around to register every noise and smell of my surroundings like usual. I heard the motor of a lawnmower from another house, noticed the hissing and smelled hamburgers from a neighbor's yard. I heard a dog barking from the other side of the road.
No media were here at the moment. Everything seemed mundane.
At least until Skye suddenly unleashed a high pitched screech into the atmosphere which destroyed the little moment of peace that apparently was too good to be true. I would recognize that earsplitting screech anywhere.
"Eee! You have new Prada shoes! Oh Tay, these are so darling! You have such dainty taste in clothes, how cute!" Skye giggled." He squealed in a drawling tone, looking excitedly down at Taylor's feet.
Holy fucking shit! What the fuck? Do they prescribe medications for that kind of conniptions? Or maybe a exorcism that might help?
It's safe to say that it made my toe nails curl up and I am sure birds dropped dead from their trees in close proximity. I yawned in boredom that I almost got trismus.
Taylor smiled coyly as he answered in the affirmative while I was still recovering from the echo stabbing at my eardrum... Skye apparently couldn't suppress his teenage excitement and kept talking about how great Taylor's shoes were, the high quality of them and other girly nonsense while prancing around him like a hysterical groupie on ecstasy.
"Too bad we don't have time to perfect your outfit and get you some matching accessoires." He gushed like fancy clothes were the solution for anything. Taylor thanked Skye politely for the compliments about his shoes. Though he acted with some reserve; it seemed that he was too polite to point out to Skye that his shopping adventures weren't relevant in the current situation.
I on the other hand would strike him to death in a heartbeat with Tayderella's precious shoes for some silence.
They kept talking for a moment and I heard that Skye wanted to talk with me before we go inside.
I swear, I would smoke, snort, and inject anything I could find to get finally rid of that pest!
As Skye walked towards me stoop shouldered he stopped in a safe distance. He and I got some unfinished business which apparently even his fagott brain had registered. Judging by the guilt written all over his milky white face he looked as though he was about to poop his gay designer pants as I glared at him menacingly.
"Excuse me, can I talk to you?" He asked, innocently.
Chantal soaking wet in a string bikini, running down a sandy beach in slow motion couldn’t make me forget this pesky drag around my neck.
Okay, that was an outright lie. I'm just a kinky motherf**ker who just wanted to bring up the imagery.
"Fuck with me pantywaist and you won't like what happens."
I snarled, about to shove the pain in my ass out of the way who walked two steps backwards as I went straight towards him. Skye and Taylor didn't seem to be happy about my rude greeting, they exchanged looks and gave me that disdainful 'Can that antisocial animal speak our language?' look as they looked at me with their nobly noses. I just was not someone who constantly had a spring in my ass like these two fairy faggotts.
"I just tried to talk to you in a diplomatic way Blade...I mean Mr. Caziano." The never ending gadfly babbled again. Man, what happened to the good old decapitating?
"If I was you paintywaist I'd think twice before ever speaking to me again, you got that girlie faggot boy?!" I spat in the same rude manner. I swear, there are not enough drugs in this world to get rid of that babbling nightmare.
Yet he seemed delighted that I actually answered him while I plotted all of the possible ways to end his life to remain calm. There may be another death on my guilt list before the day is over. I’m too nice for my own good...
"I... I really had no idea that you are Taylor's baby brother." He stuttered blushing like the tranny he looked like. I nearly threw up my lunch as I heard that. Fabulous. As if Skye's visage wasn't enough to bear...
"Baby brother? Listen swishy little milksop, I don't want to know which pedophile complex you are suffering from but for your info; more than two decades have passed by since I've been a baby brother. Shut your garrulous cunt and get the fuck out my sight and back where you come from before I throw up on you!" I barked my anger and despise at him like a savage dog.
Anybody save me from this fucked up cliché world...
Taylor and Skye looked speechless at me like I just insulted the president of the faggot's association.
Maybe I did. Did I? Who knows? Somehow I don’t think I’ll need that tidbit of info. At least, I pray on all that is holy that I never will.
I didn’t really care either way. Trust me, no one could be more bored about this never ending dispute than I was but that queer was still just one more thing to add to the "Why My Life Sucks" list. Sometimes intimidation is required to put toxic faggotards like Skye in their place.
Taylor came to me and pulled me aside after Skye walked away from me, making me regret that I missed another chance to stuff Skye's head where the sun don't shine. I tried thinking of Skye's funeral or something of that nature to keep a straight face. It irritated me that Taylor expected me to pretend to be nice to that spineless double fuckdouchetard.
What the fuck was his problem that he couldn't deal with me the way I was?!?
"Don't be so damn rude Blade!" He hissed at me. We really live in a paedophile generation in which those get pilloried who dare to criticize that. And now we apparently just hit the rock bottom. I wanted to kill myself and Taylor was yelling about my manners...
"Don't you be such a fucking liar Taylor!" I proclaimed back at him.
"Oh I knew it. You are still mad with me, right?" I heard Skye's pathetic whimpering in the background. Apparently, he got what I meant. Was there still hope for his bimbo brain? Oh well, let's stay realistic...
Taylor moaned irritated, rubbing his temples roughly. It was as if he was trying to make his pain go away by rubbing a hole through the sides of his skull. But he couldn't be more irritated than I was. Skye had hired me as Taylor's bodyguard even though he couldn't say if I was a trustworthy person. His reasons to hire me were obviously egoistical, and Taylor didn't know about Skye's intentions, but he forgave him anyway. Both of them were blind, unlike me they saw things through rose coloured glasses, things which were so easily to see through...
None of them could see the line between truth and rudeness the way I could. But the worst thing was that they wanted to make me my blind as well, so I'd turn into the same person like they were. I was aware that the most realest people don't have many friends but I would never become a fake clone who closed his eyes for what is real. I'm a born realist and I will not change.
Taylor's dreamy blue eyes stared through me before he dropped his coat of studied politeness, put his hands on his hips and began to shout at me.
"This is exactly the primitive behavior which makes you a social outcast Blade."
Taylor seemed to lose his patience which didn't happen very often and the pressure of the situation brought us back to hurt and insult each other. Unfortunately, in this society you are for many people an asshole when you are honest. My brutal honesty might make me unpopular, therefore it helps you to keep away the wrong people and not be taken in by the first available persons.
Someone like Skye always reminded me why I preferred the company of my dog more than such hypocritical, conceited, pedantic, two-faced snobs.
Why do some people think they can treat younger siblings like idiots because they think they wouldn't notice it? And then they wonder when they act like assholes. It's exactly because of shit like this.
Anyway, no matter what people say, if I ever experience the same situation again I would not act different. I would never hide behind a mask. It's actually depressing what some people do just for courtesy.
I played the bastard. It was nothing new, really. I was used to it. Which is probably the most saddest thing you can hear someone say. But at least I was honest while Taylor lied for the peace.
I don't follow the majority. I follow the truth. I believe in that which is right and the truth is, I have been a Lone Ranger for the past nine years and I will not give up the fight. Honesty is about the scars, it’s about the blemishes. Honesty is an expensive gift which you can't expect from cheap people. It’s about truly helping people.
"Fine!" I'm not afraid of who I am.
I had to think of something Santiago told me once at this moment.
"Never be afraid to be yourself. Be more afraid to act like someone you're not."
I've always found strength in this line and I was thankful for someone like Santiago in my life who never judged me for who I was.
It has never been difficult for me to be myself. It had only made me stronger.
Which just showed me one more time that Santiago and Bandito were the only real and thrustworthy buddies in my life. They had never given me strange and disgusted looks because of the way I eat, the way I talk, the way I dress and the way I live. They had never given me the feeling that I was talking in a different and inappropriate language which wasn't acceptable to their lifestyle.
I was appalled at Skye's and Taylor's superficial and dishonest attitude. Instead of considering to accept or support me, my brother did the complete contrary.
"Fine?" Taylor looked confused now. We just couldn't find the same level...
"Yeah. 'Cause, you know what? I'm rather be an honest outcast than an lying crowd following tag-along!"
Taylor sighed and looked like he didn't know how to reply. I doubted that this argument would get us anywhere, but either Taylor dealt with me the way I was or it would never work between us. I'm not afraid of being different. I'd be more afraid of being the same as everyone else.
"Why are you so damn hard?"
"Why do you emulate Skye's manner and try to manipulate me? That is pretty much the most lame and coward thing you can do Taylor! You're asking me to mask my emotions because of how it makes you feel. That I will not do!"
"I just don't want you to talk so ordinary with my best friend!" With a dapper wave of his hand Taylor defended Skye again.
"Oh that must be a damn fine friendship in which two friends don't even respect each other enough to be honest to each other. Fucking great fake friends you have Taylor." I shot a death stare in Skye's direction with utterly despise. I just couldn't help but being protective over Taylor. From the impression I got from Skye, he was not a good company for him. He was a manipulator, a liar and obviously a cheater because he didn't stop trying to find a connection to me even though he was in a relationship with Eagle Fly. Taylor should have a better friend and manager than that. Taylor might have paid with his life because of his manager's biased, egoistical decision. If someone betrays my family, I will hurt them. I'm nasty when I'm pissed and I don't hold back in a fight.
When it's a matter of life and death his best friend should have not hired somebody whom he had a crush on.
How could Skye be a good manager for Taylor when he made decisions based on his biased view and manipulated people behind Taylor's back on top of that?!?
Taylor's manager should know that Taylor's safety is the top priority in his search for a bodyguard and not a random guy whom he met on the street and of whom he thought it was oh so sexy how he saved him!
Why couldn't Taylor recognize in a friendship for seven years what I could see within a few days?
"Heeey guys, could you please stop fighting so that we can go inside?" Skye gesticulated somewhere in the background, trying to intermeddle or whatsoever. Shit, three days as a bodyguard and I was already having my own stalker freak!
As I raised my fist towards him in a stern and threatening attitude my constant shadow flinched and finally backed off. "Shut the fuck up and go back inside!" Now Taylor and I were shouting at him in chorus. I had no idea what suddenly got into Taylor that he continued fighting with me. I don't understand him at all sometimes.
Maybe I should paint two signs in the meantime for Bandito and me which say "Gross animals and primitive outcasts have to stay outside" and put them around our necks if we weren't good enough for madam niminy-piminy. That would be easier.
I was so fucking sick and tired of this damn ego shit.
Well, if my day got any better, I’d be dead. Does anyone have a light out of this black tunnel?
None of us paid attention to Skye who silently disappeared back into the house. I was sure the walking curse would come back even after getting burned at the stake. Taylor was playing for time, apparently he wasn't ready to go inside and not finished with our coversation.
"Could you do at least for once what I say?" Taylor asked and bit on his lip as if he wanted to take the words back.
It was a behavior that did not fit the Taylor I knew. Suddenly he was testing my nerves, as if he was trying to find a way to get rid of me. Maybe the situation brought him so much under pressure that it would be easier for him if I just go and leave him. Why was he challenging me?
"For what reason?" I raised an eyebrow at him.
"Because I'm your older brother." Oh man...what fucking century do we live in? I groaned inwardly about Taylor's cowardly attack on my rights of free speech, free expression and free choice, unsure whether to facepalm or slap him for his arrogance.
Seriously, am I the only one with a big brother who acts like a child?
I cut right to the chase of the matter like I always do. "You want to tell me you have more rights than I have because you're older than me? Seriously Taylor, that's just another proof that you have no fucking clue what it means to act like a brother, so how can you tell me what I have to do?!?"
Probably my sayings hurt him. But could the truth hurt that much like nine long years of loneliness do? I don't think so. Actually it was sad that I was the one who had to teach him about that. Santiago wanted me to continue doing this job and I didn't want to disappoint him. Still, it didn't give Taylor the right to treat me like a fucking doormat just because I didn't dress or acted like the perfectly well mannered gentleman that he tried to be. I don't need to dress my ass with the latest fashion to feel precious or for other people's acceptance. Therefore I'm an original and not a copy. Thank heavens! Or hell in my case...
"Remember you work for me and you have to do what I say." Taylor insisted, standing in front of me like he was posing for a magazine, one hand on his hip, the other above his elbow like a tartet up princess. He did the cute girl on instagram pose better than my damn whores.
I couldn't help but to scoff about Taylor's pathectic way to win authority. I hoped we were over this childish bullshit...
"In that case you have to find a retarded, submissive robot elsewhere Taylor. If you need it that bad you have to ask Mom and Dad if they have another stupid brother for you whom you can hurt. Coz whatsoever you're trying here does not work with me. I don't need your permission to do anything because I'm not your fucking property! It's my job to protect and defend your noble princessy ass, not kiss it."
inspiration for this scene based on this picture:
I couldn't say what was more sad; that he thought I was that retarded that he could use me to feed his ego or that he was so naive that he actually believed I would play his robot. It was one of those moments in which I couldn't decide if I should feel sorry for him because of his superficiality or just walk away and don't look back. Shit like this makes me want to leave this planet.
God, why is this generation is so fucked up?
"Your big mouth will send you to the gallows someday, Blade Caziano!"
Nah, being too lazy to breathe will probably be the cause of my death. That or Skye's death awakening conniptions.
Ironically, my brother's prediction would have been a reward after his narcisstic treatment.
Taylor stomped his shoe angrily on the ground as he realized I would not act like he wanted me to. Nothing happened except that my wannabe older brother reminded me of a whiney little boy that didn't get his way.
Honestly, I couldn't even tell what depressed me the most in this situation. I wasn't mad with Taylor because of the foolish things we said to each other. I was disappointed with him. He actually tried to manipulate me and now he acted like I would be too stupid to notice it. What's even more sad was that Taylor has been afraid I would lose respect for him, 'cause I protected him instead of the contrary, but in reality it was a moment like this in which I really did.
Oh brother, if you didn't allow yourself to get influenced by your insecurities because of that stupid narcissistic society attitude, we wouldn't even be stand here wasting our time with such a dumb conversation...
I’ll be the first person to admit that I am not always the nicest person. I know it. I can be a downright ass even. Most of the time I really don’t care whether or not I hurt people’s feelings because I usually believe they fully deserve whatever I can dish out. That’s just the kind of person I am. I’m honest, brutally truthful. I won’t beat around the bush or fib for tact. If you’re an idiot, I’m going to tell you that directly to your face. I have little patience for people in general. But what Taylor expected from me in this situation was just not right.
"You better listen Taylor, I'll only say it once; I hazard those consequences 'cause I live my life the way I fucking want to! I’m your bodyguard brother, a killer and a dirty pimp. Can’t pick one without choosing the other. Like I said, I make no apologies for my temperament."
Taylor sighed before he spoke again. "I think that can be difficult sometimes."
"And I think it's high time to come off the fucking white pegasus you're riding on, fairy bro!"
"I mean you're rude and lack of tact..." Taylor tried again, though a feeling of unease was visible in his feminine body language.
"I don't get what you're trying to achieve here Taylor coz all you do is being judgemental. Do you think you can change the world with your narcisstic attitude? You only make it even worse than it already is. So why don't just take your glorious self, on your high horse and gallop on to your glamorous room awaiting you in heaven? Their must be a special place for you there."
By the way, I need a snickers.
For reasons unknown I had to think back of the lyrics from Linkin Park's song Numb that I heard here yesterday at the same place. Maybe because where words fail music speaks...
I'm so tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Somehow this song had gotten a special meaning to me. It became the sountrack of my life since I worked as Taylor's bodyguard. Yeah, the sountrack of everything. I really liked this band. I don't think I'd be the person I am today if I wasn't influenced by their music. They understood me better than my own brother. Maybe Taylor should get a copy.
I didn't even know my brother well enough if he also knew the song...
"I'm just saying your behavior will give you difficulties to fit into society."
"That may be. But it's my life and not yours."
Why had I to defend myself all the time but he hadn't?
I didn't want to be like Taylor. I didn't want to be how he wanted me to be. I am not anyone. I'm me.
What the hell was so fucking hard to understand about that?!? I don't have time for this fucking nonsense. Nevertheless, it never ceases to amaze me with which pointless ego shit people waste their time without realizing it. It makes me wonder how many suicides does it take for people to realize that shit they say hurt others.
No matter what the reason of Taylor's sudden outburst was, I couldn't help but wonder if he was even aware that he gave me the feeling of being an unfitting item in his world with exactly this narcisstic behavior. Maybe I should tell him to just piss off instead of continue this rape fanfare with my feelings, but I knew that he was challenging me because it was exactly what he wanted to achieve 'cause he was afraid to go inside. But I'm not my brother. I am not someone who runs away at first opportunity like he does. I couldn't understand what was he always running away from.
Added to that, the skin lash wound on my arm was still bleeding and had soaked my whole upper arm sleeve with blood; it needed urgent treatment.
"I know. I didn't mean to..." Taylor began but I cut him off. I had ignored and swallowed enough of this shit. Instead of focussing on catching the culprit all we did was to stand here discussing Taylor's ego problems. And I was more than done permanently being used. We both knew that our arguement was not because of Skye. He was not even interesting enough to make me sick. It was about the whole situation since we reconciled. It hurt me that Taylor still didn't realize whom he hurt the most with his steady anxiety of being awkward. So I confronted him with a straight out question.
"I am not terrified to say what I think 'cause I'm not afraid of being judged and laughed at. How about you Taylor? What is your problem? Are you afraid I might be cooler than you?!?"
"Shut up Zac! You fucking know best that my situation is anything else than cool!" Taylor shouted indignantly, his rosy cheeks automatically turned red like at the touch of a button. He even forgot my code name in his anger, so we were finally talking plaintext.
I didn't mind his annoyance even though I failed to understand the sense of it. I always prefered directly to lay the cards on the table instead of dancing around a subject. If Taylor realized that, I'm sure we could have saved a lot of time already.
"No, I only know that I have a brother who can't fucking deal with his little brother's appearance just because he protects him. You're my brother no matter what your appearance is, so it's beyond me why the fuck I can't be the same for you in return!"
I answered bluntly and straightforwardly, staring at him emphatically after that. My patience was running out.
Fuck the drama! I didn't want arguing anymore, so I told him what's up and we either fix it and move on or stop fuckin with each other and move on. Fuck all that extra shit!
Predictably, he didn't say anything to that and kept silent for a moment.
Isn't it ironic how people get speechless once you turn the tables?
"I just think it might make you lonely..." Taylor wandered off the subject, refusing to reply what I said before.
"So what? That's what I've always been, right? You never gave me a reason to change it." I shrugged vacuous and wasn't even surprised how normal it sounded to me. I wasn't used to anything else, so why the fuck pretend to be someone I'm not?!
I didn't agree with Taylor's statement. Life is not about losing family and friends, it's about to learn who the real ones are. Taylor seemed to place a higher value on decency than the truth though. He called it lack of respect, I call it freedom. I think it's better to die fighting for freedom than living a life on knees in chains. At least you'll know it's me.
Even though I was a lone fighter because I was only one standing up for my opinion, I didn't feel like I was lonely. I realized that actually Taylor was much more lonely than I was, he didn't seem to have one true and real friend in his life.
I did not want to play along with the charade any more. Whether Taylor nor Skye seemed to get that a bodyguard job was not a popularity competition. I was the little brother, yet I felt like the only adult around them.
If you never take the initiative to be honest with yourself, you’ll never know what you want. You’ll never excel at anything because you won’t be passionate enough to do whatever it takes. You’ll never be able to find that essence that nobody else can replicate — that is solely your own. You’ll remain an untapped well… of yourself. If you want to be strong; learn how to fight alone.
Taylor's angry expression looked guilty now. It turned out that nothing had changed. He thought he was taking over responsibility for the happenings but in reality he again chose the easy way and the first thing he did after feeling better was to work on his plan to get rid of me. Again, I was confronted with a brother who thought that not dealing with the hard things in life would be the right choice.
Why was he so damn coward when it came to face reality?
"You're doing it again Zac." He uttered quietly and bit on his lower lip.
"What?" I asked, irritation in my voice.
Taylor's mood swings were strange. In one moment he was shouting at me and in the next he became shy and demure again. Couldn't he decide for one mood?
A part of me wished I wouldn't know what the reason for Taylor's mood swings was, but I did. All the signs were there. Liars are plagued by two feelings, one is fear and one is guilt.
I felt a strange pain inside of me because I loved a brother who had two faces. I loved someone who is a stranger. I loved someone whose view is blocked for honesty. My inner self was screaming because of despair. I didn't want to see my own brother as such a person. I wished Taylor would be able to open his eyes for honesty and not go through the world like one of those numb people with liveless eyes and a lost identity. Nothing could be worse than numb. I rather have a broken heart than live in that emptiness.
I was Taylor's protector and his emotional source of strength, but I knew that I wasn't able to pull him out of this swamp of lies if he didn't want to take my hand. It equally made me sad and mad that he didn't even try to understand me.
"You're talking with me as if I'm your little brother. Why you do that?" Taylor pressed out the words awkwardly while I was still fighting wargames with my inner daredevil to control my aggressive temper.
"Obviously because no one else had the guts and taught you some manners. Do you even know what you're doing to me?!?" I barked angrily. How else should I feel when he was pussying out every time I confronted him with the facts?! Evidence of Taylor's cowardice includes him running away at any sign of confrontation. Also, his cowardice did not let him make any decision or stand for which he can be accountable. Taylor would never be able to deal with me if he didn't overcome it. It will lead him to a lifelong feeling of insecurity. Shit, I gotta make a man out of him!
"How can you expect me to see you as my big brother even though you don't even understand the meaning of responsibility and family ties?!?"
Taylor cast down his eyes, his blond eyelashes trying to hide his ashamed look under his amazingly unusual long blond eyebrows that looked like bird wings. He and I probably couldn't be more different. I am straight, I couldn't be more sure of it but even I can see why my brother is such an eyecatcher for thousands of women and men worldwide. Yeah he had some undeniable natural girly beauty. It's probably the reason why his stalker cast an eye on him. Taylor was a feminine and pretty type which were very rare. Feminine in his movements and his delicate look.
Obviously he felt too guilty to get upset again. I stood there with clasped arms, waiting for him to talk. I had a feeling there would come some more.
"Zac, since I met you, everything's been different. So maybe we just need some time to grow up..." Taylor began hesitantly, trying to get out of the awkward situation.
"I've finished growing up Taylor. I just get older."
"Well, for me it's the opposite. I'm your older brother, yet I feel like maybe I need some time to grow up a little... He admitted in a quiet tone. Instead of shouted denials, what giddily slipped unbidden through his lips was a bashful, not quite whispered "...because I'm not grown up enough to know what's right. And I need my little brother to protect me and keep me out of trouble."
To me it felt like it was the most honest thing he said today and I was grateful about a piece of honesty in a world of hypocrisy.
Most of the times when we talked it felt like I was talking to my little brother. Not in a negative way, don't get me wrong. I believe both of us felt it. Taylor was just so child like with his mood swings. Like he was always searching for his position, yet couldn't find it and it increased my protective instinct above him even more. His innocent angelic appearance added to that. His purity was special somehow. It's rare when someone had been able to maintain his innocence even as an adult.
The only thing that pissed me off was when he let himself get influenced by dumb society prejudices and took it out on me what he did the whole time without realizing it. Internally, I knew that I would never be able to believe anything he said as long as he didn't even know what he wanted.
Why couldn't he just speak out that he never wanted to stick to me? Things would have been so much easier, now and then...
I watched him swallowing a lump in his throat. Taylor was such a sensitive guy and always blushed so easily. You want to give him a hug and tell him everything's gonna be alright just by one look at him. But I knew if I did that now nothing would ever change. As long as Taylor didn't change his behavior everything I said to him sounded like a necessary lesson to me.
"Do you think it will always be like this? I mean... you and I, forever alone?" He asked in a small voice with an unbelieveable innocence.
"Not if you are there."
Our situation seemed final all of a sudden. None of us said anything anymore after that. We just stood there and stared at each other until Taylor couldn't hold my gaze anymore and averted his eyes.
No. Fucking. Progress.
inspiration for this Chapter based on this gif set:
Zac's final speech BTTI 2014:
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